Do you ever get a sense of "knowing", deep in your soul that something is right? I mean an unshakable peace and surety that settles something in your mind, body, and spirit like a jigsaw puzzle finding its place.
Very, very rarely do I find this peace.
The first time I picked up a pen to actually plot out a novel (I had been pantsing up until that point because I thought that's what writers did), something clicked. Like "this is the way for me."
The first time I walked through the city of Boston I felt a deep sense of home and permanence. As if a long-forgotten, yet familiar voice whispered in my ear "Welcome home."
I've had a few more of these moments. Times in my life where there it's perfect calm and every fiber in my body says "Yes!" Every single time, this knowing has enriched my life, fulfilled some need that I may not have realized existed.
In the past it's been relatively easy to obtain the things I've known, or at least plot out a path to get to it. I'm moving to Massachusetts in July. Not to Boston--that's a little out of my reach for now--but I have a three-year plan that will get me where I want to go.
But there are other "knowings" that elude me. I can't describe the gut-wrenching fear that comes with wanting something so bad and knowing that it could be amazing...but having it out of reach. Something you can't plan for, can't affect. Something you realize you could pour everything you have to offer into...and still end up empty.
I've done that before. I'm sure I'm not the only person out there who has spent time pursuing a lost cause. Who has spent months and years trying to figure out how to be "good enough" in a situation where your best will never cut it.
I don't know if this is the same. I'd like to think that I'm older and wiser and wouldn't make the same mistake, but I'm not sure that's true.
What I do know is that nothing worth having is easy. Much like with writing, you have to be willing to put yourself out there If you want to get anything back. And yeah, it's scary. Rejection sucks. Not getting what you want sucks.
But you have to try.
No risk, no reward.